maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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