Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
