she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
