Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
