Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
