I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
