I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
