ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
