the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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