wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
