when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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