Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
