I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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