I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
