I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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