i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize