i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
