Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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