My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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