Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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