Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
