Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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