This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize