So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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