Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
