It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Couch. On fire.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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