Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
