I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
