I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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