There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
