It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
