There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
