I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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