i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
