Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
