And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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