I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
