What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
