he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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