I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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