I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
