I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
