We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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