At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
