My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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