ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
