Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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