He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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