just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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