I queefed so loud it echoed.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
