That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
