I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
