saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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