pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I cockslap morals
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
