What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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