Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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