His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
