Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
