Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
