Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
