I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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